


Who's got your back baby?

by sailsandanchors



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Tumblr Prompt, but stevesam is also featured heavily in some chapters, dialogue only, rainywithachanceofstars, spoilers for cap2, this is turning out to be mainly bucky/tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-01-20 19:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1523177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailsandanchors/pseuds/sailsandanchors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky and Tony are in a constant "I can watch over Steve better than you can"-off. Steve and Sam are trolls in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I saved his life!" 

_"That hardly counts, Barnes! He only needed saving because you were trying to kill him!"_

**"Guys, is this really necessary? We’re closing in on the target and I need to know who has my ten."**

_"Shut up, Steve."_

"Don’t tell him to shut up! He’s your superior, you asshole!"

_"Say that again, Robocop!"_

_"Don’t mean to interrupt this custody battle, but you do know you’re doing this over open coms, right?"_

_"Barton, I am this close to blasting you!"_

"Tch. Too hot-headed for your own good, Stark. You’re a damn liability!"

_"Whatever. I’ve never tried to kill him."_

"Really? You managed to drop him from a thousand feet on the mission yesterday!"

_"I caught him! I can fly!”_

"Badly."

_"That’s a lot of smugness coming from an old man with a tin arm."_

"Says the guy in the crappy metal suit."

_"Cra…? That’s it. Jarvis, arm rockets!"_

_ "Again, I am really enjoying this pissing contest, but we’re under fire and Tash just saved Steve from getting stabbed by that dude." _

**_"If you want to have his back you better work for it, boys!"_ **

**"I don’t need a damn bodyguard! Now will you all start acting like a team?"**

_"Aye aye, Captain!"_

_"Barton, shut the fuck up."_


	2. Chapter 2

_"Barnes?"_

"Get down."

_"Stop manhandling me with your obsolete, crappy arm!"_

"What are you doing here?"

_"Sparky, you're the one hiding behind a car. I was just... Uhm... Here for my morning coffee."_

"Stark, it's eighteen hundred hours."

_"Eightee...? I slept late!"_

"Your mansion is an hour's drive away."

_"They serve really good coffee? Don't look at me like that!"_

"This is my normal face."

_"Well your normal face is way too judgy for someone wearing a hoodie and ducking behind vehicles. Very stalker-like if you ask me."_

"Stark you're wearing sunglasses with telescopic capab... Get down!"

_"What the fuck is it this time!?"_

"Keep your voice down! Steve's looking over here."

_"Is his date here yet?"_

"His date? Decided to drop the act?"

_"Barnes!"_

"No. He's alone. All dressed up too."

_"Damn! That's a pretty big bouquet of flowers."_

"Stop making yourself so visible or I swear I'm going to take you out."

_"Sorry officers, but I killed this man cause he was getting in the way of me stalking Captain Am... Ow. Really, pinching?"_

"I'm not stalking him. It's not my fault he won't accept a security team when he's getting thousands of death threats every day."

_"So you don't know who it is either?"_

"He just told me to wish him luck and jumped off the plane."

_"He needs to stop doing that. You're just back from a mission?"_

"Landed zero nine hundred."

_"Huh."_

"Stark?"

_"Yeah?"_

"Why are you here?"

_"Coffee. Ow. Ow. Fucking stop it okay? He woke me up at like ten in the morning, asking me where the best flower shop in New York was, but he refused to tell me anything else... And I was worried he might be in danger? Hey, emotional damage is just as bad as physical damage. What if his date doesn't show up? Stop looking at me like that!"_

"Incoming."

_"What? Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!"_

"What is wrong with you Stark?!"

_"She came out of nowhere! You came out of nowhere!"_

**_"Quiet Tony. If you ruin this for Steve, they're never going to find your body."_ **

_"I have just about had enough threats from former assassins today."_

_**"Former?"** _

"Stark. Did you just try to inch behind me for protection? Stop smiling like that Nat, it's only making him worse."

_"I'm just backing away to get a clearer picture with my glasses."_

**_"Uh huh. There's not much to see. He's alone. I'm guessing you don't know who he's waiting for?"_ **

"Nice try."

**_"A girl can only hope you'll fall for it."_ **

_"Oh my god! You don't know either? You?"_

**_"I've been trying to set him up with someone for months and suddenly he's vaguely asking for dating tips and not telling me anything else."_ **

_"Didn't you tell him that bringing a massive assortment of red, white and blue flowers to a coffee date is sort of weird?"_

"He probably had a hard time saying no to the clerk."

_"I bet he got it for free too. Nobody ever gives me free stuff."_

"You poor millionaire."

_"Billionaire. Ow. Stop that, old m... Oh my God!"_

**_"Huh. I owe Clint a hundred bucks. Later."_ **

"Is that Wilson?"

_"Oh my god! Pepper is going to freak. Wait... Fuck... Steve's noticed us. Guys? Ah fuck."_

**"Tony, what on earth are you doing here?"**

"Just came by to get some coffee... Don't look at me like that!"


	3. Chapter 3

"I think that's the last of the boxes. Thanks for helping out with the move, man!"

"Steve's out of town protecting the world. I figured you were a super-soldier short... Besides, I still owe you for that whole saving my tormented soul thing, you and Steve pulled off. "

"You're a good man, Bucky Barnes. And you saved yourself."

"I... I'm happy for you and Steve."

"You were gearing up to the whole if-you-hurt-Steve-I'm-hurting-you speech, weren't you?"

"Maybe... Yes."

"Yeah, you're a bit late for that."

"Late?"

"Nat, Clint, Pepper... Hell, even Bruce made a comment about not making him angry. I think Tony was the worst though."

"Stark was worse than Nat?"

"Let's just say some photos were retrieved."

"Photos?"

"With dancing. And tiny, pink cocktail umbrellas. And a couple of marines. Nice to see my pain amuses you!"

"Everyone has embarrassing drunk stories, Sam."

"Has Stark threatened to project yours on the front of the Avengers Tower for a month straight?... Stop laughing!"

"Oh god. A month? That asshole!"

"Did you just smile fondly and look at your feet?... Okay okay, shutting up."

"Good... I really am happy for you."

"It's pretty amazing... You know. I mean... It's Steve!"

"Yes... He's kinda like a force of nature isn't he."

"Exactly! And the sex is just..."

"Wilson!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, this might be heading in a very tony/bucky direction


	4. Chapter 4

**"Morning Sam... Mhmm."**

"On your left..."

_"Oh for fucks sake! You're still doing that? I'm supposed to be the charming ruffian..."_

"Manchild." 

_"...with no impulse control! Shut up, Birdbrains, I know your secrets. This is just unnatural. You were there yesterday Barton, back me up!"_

_ "Coffee first. Talking later." _

_"Traitor."_

**"Oh shut up and grow up, Tony. Are you seriously going to make our relationship about yourself?"**

_"Am I... What? I'm sorry Captain Asshole, but you were the one that started grabbing asses during battle simulations!"_

**"Can you blame me?"**

"I do have an excellent ass."

_"Well both your asses would have been smoke if we were in an actual fight!"_

**"Look at you Tony, worrying like an actual responsible adult. I'd have started grabbing asses sooner if I knew that was all it took."**

_"What is actually happening right now? Did you fuck the brains right out of him, Wilson?"_

"I try my best."

_"I can officially no longer deal with either of you."_

**"Relax, Tony. It was just a simulation."**

"Yeah, Stark. You're too tense. Relax."

_"Don't tell me to relax with those self-satisfied smirks."_

"Jealous, Stark? Frustrated?"

**"Are you not being satisfied, Tony?"**

_"What?!"_

"Definitely too tense. Steve, do you think maybe he could use a supersoldier of his own?"

_**"Who could use a supersoldier of their own?"** _

_"Oh great. Sparky. Nat. I hope you had a great a mission and didn't grab any asses while you were under fire. Now if you'll excuse me think I hear Bruce calling from the lab."_

_**"Tell Bruce we have new intel about that thing he wanted!"** _

_"Yeah..."_

"What the hell was that about?"

**"Nothing Buck. Tony is a little tense."**

"Really? Well there's always _something_ up his ass."

**"Not lately."**

"Huh? Steve, you have that look about you."

**"What look?"**

"That you're starting something I'm going to have to finish... Sam, why did you just wink at Nat?"

**_"Pay no attention to Sam. He's a flirt. Stop drinking straight from the carafe Clint, you know it burns your tongue."_ **


	5. Chapter 5

**"Let's go over this one last time! The compound has two gates..."**

_"What the hell is that buzzing sound?"_

"I can't hear anything..."

**"Sit down Tony, there's turbulence! So there are two gates, Clint and Sam are going to handle suppressing fire while..."**

_"Seriously does no one else hear that?"_

_ "Relax, it's probably the jets." _

_"I'm pretty sure I know what sound the jets make, Clint, thank you! This is different._ _"_

"Still can't hear anything."

_"Well you're all lucky I don't have your geriatric ears. It's coming from over there!"_

**"Sit your ass down Ton..."**

_"Aaahgh!"_

_ "Whoa." _

"Hello, Stark."

_"Hu... Hello?"_

"Get it!"

_"Fuck you, Wilson!... Barnes. Get your hand off my hip!"_

"You mean the hand that just saved you from hitting the deck face first like an idiot? That hand?"

_"Yes, I bruise eas... Wait a minute..."_

"What the hell are you doing, Stark?"

_"Your arm is very cold."_

"I'm not the one sticking an ear to it!"

_"Shhh..."_

"Personal space, Stark?"

_"Sparky, you were the one holding me like we were on the cover of a romance novel. Now sit still."_

"...My arm is a weapon not your toy."

_"Mhmm. How long has it been making that noise?"_

"That's what you were moaning about?"

_"Yes... Steve, I heard that laugh. I am rich and I am powerful... Huh. Fascinating."_

"So, doctor... Am I going to live?"

_"Hmm? Yeah. Probably maintenance issues."_

"...You're still holding it."

_"Yeah... Um... Honestly, Barnes. How the hell did you not notice that sound?"_

"I got used to it I guess."

_"Well come by the lab and I'll take a better look at it if you want."_

"Uh... Sure... Friday?"

_"It's a date."_

_"Can I come by for those arrows you promised? Doctor?"_

_"Barton, shut the fuck up."_


	6. Chapter 6

_"He's coming, Bruce! He's in the lobby!"_

  * "Who is?"



_"...Barnes."_

  * "Winter is coming?"



_"He will be once I'm finished with him."_

  * "..."



_"Too much?"_

  * "I kind of set that up for you, didn't I?"



_"I'm a man of opportunity, Blueberry. Got to strike while the iron is hot."_

  * "Iron? Really? With the hip thrusts?"



_"Always hot."_

  * "I've seen you cram four donuts in your mouth, Tony. At the same time."



_"Just goes to show what else I can cram in my mouth!"_

  * "Uh huh. So are you nervous or happy? Both? Cause it's ten in the morning and it normally takes a couple more cups of coffee to make you so obnoxiously full of innuendos."



_"Oh, I'm always up for an innuendo if you know wha... Damn it!"_

  * "Matter of fact you're not even in this early unless you're still here from the previous night... Also you look different."



_"Good different or bad different."_

  * "I don't know. Clean?"



_"Oh fuck off, Blueberry."_

  * "Why do you even care, Tony? I mean, we're in the lab. Yesterday you had string cheese tucked behind your ear."



_"For safe keeping. You never know when..."_

  * "Is this a date?"



_"What? No! Why would I bring him here for a date? Why would I even want to go on a date with him?"_

  * "You've been mooning over him for months now."



_"I think you mean loathing him, but slowly accepting the fact that he's here to stay."_

  * "Tony, you wouldn't shut up about him..."



_"That's cause he annoys the hell out of me! He always works against me in training. He keeps calling shotgun in the jet, he... He keeps eating the leftover pizza I leave in the fridge!"_

  * "Are you seriously..."



_"And the one time Steve was ever sick, that time with the slimy things, I'd made him soup from scratch. From scratch! And he was already there with some sorry excuse for watered down broth. Steve said they were both good, but I could tell he liked his better. I could tell because Barnes fucking smirked at me with that smug way of his! And he says I'm just like my father but shorter!"_

  * "You still can't stop talking about him."



  _"He insulted Iron Man! He called me reckless!"_

  * "You are reckless, Tony!"



_"Yes, but you trust me!... You trust me don't you?"_

  * "Yeah... Well that explains a lot."



_"Meaning?"_

  * "Meaning you want him to trust you. Genius."



_"I'm a trustworthy guy!"_

  * "..."



_"Most of the time! For the important things!"_

  * "Why do you want him to trust you, Tony?"



_"...Why wouldn't I? Why are you suddenly all in my face, Mr. I'm-not-that-kind-of-doctor? Anyway, he's coming over to let me take a look at his arm."_

  * "Was that why you were giddy as a schoolgirl?"



_"Drink your damn tea and shut up. You're worse than Captain Ass  and   Birdbrains and that's saying something."_

  * "Well they know how to resolve sexual tension. You should follow their example."



_"There is no tension!"_

"What tension?"

_"Jesus, Barnes. Didn't they knock on doors in the 40's? "_

 "The doors slid open, Stark. Hey, Banner."

  * "Hello, Barnes. Nice shirt. You didn't have to dress up for us."



"Thanks. I..."

_"Blueberry, don't you have some experiment you need to be doing?"_

 


	7. Chapter 7

**"Nat, what are you doing?"**

_**"Shhhhh."** _

**"Natasha, we talked about this."**

_**"I'm just in the monitoring room. Monitoring... Tony knows there are cameras up everywhere. He put them there. And if you think James doesn't kn..."** _

**"This feels wrong."**

_**"Save it. We need intelligence if we want to proceed and be subtle about it."** _

**"Subtle? You once locked me and Sharon in a room and disappeared."**

_**"That was an accident! ...Okay it wasn't, but it's not like you're innocent of arranging 'accidents'."** _

**"Meaning?"**

_**"Oh, please, your poker face is terrible. Clint told me about how you signaled him to tilt the plane at the exact right moment. Nice use of Stark's inability to sit still by the way."** _

**"That was Sam's idea."**

_**"You've corrupted him."** _

**"People generally say it's the other way around."**

_**"Oh, no. Sam was a nice, balanced man before he met you."** _

**"You saying I'm not nice?"**

_**"I'm saying you're trouble."** _

**"Trouble is my middle n... Ouch!"**

_**"No it's not. It's Grant. Now get out of the way, I know you're trying to block the screens."** _

**"We made a deal that we'd back off when they got together."**

_**"Do you see them together? Do you see passionate love making and smashed lab equipment?"** _

**"I can't unsee that mental image."**

_**"Well smashed lab equipment is a possibility with those two. And not the good kind. So get out of the way."** _

**"...They don't appear to be killing each other."**

_**"Well they're not kissing either, so we have our work cut out for us."** _

**"They'll be fine."**

_**"Bruce?"** _

  * "I got kicked out of the lab."



**"What happened?"**

  * "Just pointed out some facts." 



**"Tony still in denial?"**

  * "It's Tony. Of course he is... What about Bucky?"



**"He's not talking about it..."**

_**"Which means he's thinking about it... Ti**_ _**me for phase two."** _

**"That better not include locking people in rooms."**


	8. Chapter 8

**"Mmmm... Sam..."**

"Morning, soldier."

**"What time did you get in?"**

"Couple of hours ago. Couldn't sleep."

**"Hope you haven't spent two hours staring at me."**

"Pshh... Don't flatter yourself. It was twenty minutes. Thirty tops."

**"Maybe I can help you sleep."**

"You keep stretching like that I don't think I'll get any sleep till noon."

**"Mmmmmm..."**

"Seriously, Steve. I'm exhausted."

**"Just relax. I'll handle this."**

"Mmmm... You have no idea how much I need this right now."

**"Tough mission?"**

"Hmm? Yeaaaah."

**"Any scrapes I should worry about?"**

"N... God! That feels so good Steve..."

**"So you're not hurt?"**

"Nohmmm... Just those two idiots bickering."

**"What?! They're fighting again?"**

"They got into a spat after Tony took care of a guy that was about to shoot Bucky."

**"And?"**

"He blasted the guy and the force triggered an alarmmhm somewhere and suddenly Tony was surrounded by a hundred dudes. Dudes with guns. Mmmm... Yeah right there."

**"They okay?"**

"We all got back fine, but things got ugly in the jet."

**"What did he call him this time? Reckless? Stupid?"**

"Yeah, but it wasn't like that. It was... Mhmmm... Remember that time I shielded you and..."

**"You got a bullet for your troubles and a ten minute lecture from me before we realized you were shot?"**

"Now imagine no one got shot and you continued to shout at me, but I was actually Tony."

**"Shit."**

"Yeah. Instead of apologies at the hospital and a kiss when the nurse had her back turned, this version ended with Tony flying out the jet screaming that he should have let the dude kill Bucky. The nurse totally knew by the way. She winked at me when you left."

**"That's cause she could tell I gave good back rubs."**

"The bessst."

**"...How are we going to fix this?"**

"You can't fix everything Steve. They'll figure it out at some point."

**"It took me seeing you were shot because of me to come to my senses."**

"How could you not when I heroically jumped in front of a semi-automatic for you, like a svelte Icarus."

**"Icarus died."**

"Worth it if it meant saving your tiny ass."

**"My ass is the sun?"**

"Mmm..."

**"Whatever you do, don't tell Natasha that's how we ended up together cause she'll be getting ideas."**

"Mmmmmm."

**"Are you dozing off?"**

"Mmm."

**"I'm glad you're home, Sam."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the feedback and love <3


	9. Chapter 9

"Stark?"

_"..."_

"Tony."

_"What?"_

"I'm..."

_"Don't touch that, it's volatile."_

"I wasn't going to."

_"Is there something you wanted, Barnes, or can you leave the same way you entered?"_

"Hill wants us to report in about the mission."

_"Good thing I don't answer to Hill."_

"That's the problem, Stark. You don't answer to anyone."

_"Get. Out."_

"...You almost got yourself killed."

_"Yeah! Every damn day! That's just the wonderful fuck up I am! Now get the fuck out my lab."_

"I didn't come here to argue with you, Stark!"

_"Well good job failing that mission! Give Hill my warmest regards."_

"I'm not here because of Hill."

_"Enlighten me as to why I have to suffer your presence, Barnes."_

"S.H.I.E.L.D. was on cleanup. The guy you took out... Tech says he was carrying special ammo. Some sort of biochem compound that disperses upon impact. It was coded to my DNA."

_"Shit."_

"Yeah. Wouldn't be here to annoy you if you hadn't been such an idiot."

_"Is that a thank you or an apology? Cause either way, Sparky, you suck at those worse than I do."_

"Yeah, well... It was almost you yesterday. Don't get killed trying to save my ass."

_"Don't flatter yourself. I'd hacked into their data files two minutes into the mission. I got bored waiting for them to download."_

"So you decided blasting a hole into the ground and fighting off all their men was a good way to stretch your legs?"

_"Couldn't let you have all the fun."_

"Idiot."

_"The words you're looking for are 'thank you', Sparky."_

"Why do you even call me that?"

_"The second you hear it your jaw clenches, Sparky. Just so. Very appealing."_

"So you think I'm appealing when I'm annoyed, Stark? That explains a lot."

_"...It explains nothing! I didn't say that! I just enjoy riling you up!"_

"...Really?"

_"Go be inept at admitting you were wrong somewhere else!"_

"Okay, Stark. See you in debriefing."

_"Hmph."_

"I'm glad I had you on my six."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your reviews and love :)


	10. Chapter 10

  * **"What?! Unhand me!"**



**"Shhhhhhh..."**

  * **"Steven! Why did you drag me into this tiny room? What are you all cowering here for? Doesn't the Director wish to talk to us?"**



_"Yeah, no. Meeting's been cancelled, big guy."_

  * **"Ah, good! Tony and B..."**



**"No."**

"That won't be necessary."

  * **"I do not understand, Samuel."**



**_"They want them to go to the conference room anyway."_ **

  * **"And what is the reasoning behind this?"**



"We're just messing with Tony."

  * **"So why do you insist we not inform comrade Barnes of the cancellation?"**



_"We're... We're trying to get them together?"_

  * **"Together?... Oh, I see. Natasha, I have been gone for less than three months and you are playing matchmaker again?"**



_**"This has nothing to do with me! And what do you mean again?"** _

  * **"I had to assist Steven and Agent Carter last time."**



_"Damn impressive assistance, you blew a hole in the door and half the wall before I c..."_

"It's not like that, this time they like each other." 

**"And we're not locking them in any rooms."**

"Anyway. They just need some time together without us hovering over them." 

  * **"Wouldn't they be anticipating our arrival and thus not be in the frame of mind to declare their love?"**



_**"Exactly. Please talk some sense into them, Thor. We are past phase two and heading into phase three."** _

**"Is phase two the one where you lock people in a room together?"**

_**"It was one time, Steve. Get over it. And yes. Phase one is getting people to recognize a mutual attraction, phase two is to make them bond over an obstacle or common threat, which is fairly difficult to personalize given our line of work by the way , and phase thr..."** _

"Nat... Were you involved in the incident with the shooter a couple of missions ago?" 

**_"What? I'm impressive Wilson, but do you really think I can weaponize biotechnology and then coordinate an attack that came close enough to succeeding that it seemed real?"_ **

"..."

**_"Seriously? I didn't..."_ **

  * **"What is phase three, Natasha?"**



_**"Phase three is up to them. We just need to give them space. The less Tony believes he'll hear 'I told you so' the more likely it is for him to take the initiative and bone James."**_

  * **"The opposite could also be a possibility."**



"Why are you grinning like that?"

  * **"It is only that I am also hopeful that our friends declare their affections towards one another."**



_**"He knows something."** _

  * **"I am sworn to secrecy, my lady."**



_"Yeah, you definitely know something."_


	11. Chapter 11

_"Okay. This is nice. I could definitely get used to this."_

"Mmmm... Tony?"

_"Yes, lovebug?"_

"Shut up."

_"Make me."_

"I'm not sure you're up for that... Lovebug."

 _"Give me ten..."_  

"Hmph."

_"Okay, twenty minutes... You know, not many people can render me speechless."_

"Well now that I know how, I'll have to implement that knowledge more frequently."

_"Shoving me inside a supply closet and having your wicked way with me isn't going to be very practical... Maybe if I installed more supply closets..."_

"I'm not sure you remember who was doing the shoving."

_"Uhm, you had me lifted off my feet and up against staplers the moment Thor turned the corner, so..."_

"Yeah, who was it that fucking mauled me in the middle of the hallway, without checking to see if anyone was coming?"

_"Guilty and proud."_

"I couldn't tell."

_"... By the way, Mr. Top Agent, how did you not notice 8 feet of godly manpower, until he almost bumped into us?"_

"I was... distracted."

_"I knew I was a good kisser. Great ass too!"_

"I think modesty is your best feature by far."

_"Better than my ass?"_

"Definitely better than your mouth."

_"I'm sorry, sir. Are there any complaints? Would you like to speak to managmMmmm..."_

"No. It's pretty damn perfect."

_"I bet you say that to all the girls, Barnes."_

"Bucky."

_"...Okay, Sparky!"_

"I hate you."

_"Nah! ... You don't.  How long till everyone knows?"_

"Nat probably knows already. I don't think Thor's a gossip, but I doubt he'll cover well. I mean we're both skipping the meeting...  I'd give it a couple of hours tops."

_"So. Your room or mine?"_

"Idiot."

_"Could it be? Is James Buchanan Barnes grinning at Tony Stark? More as the story develops! Coming to you live from inside the supply closet on the 14th floor, it's... Mphhh."_

"Mmm... Yours. Clint and Nat are right next to mine. And cut off the cameras."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hello on [tumblr](http://captainofalltheships.tumblr.com/)


	12. Chapter 12

_"Hey, guys."_

**_"Hello."_ **

" Meeting was cancelled. Thor says hi. "

_"Steve's on his way with pizza. Hope you're fine with pepperoni."_

"Yes! I'm starving. Move over, Nat."

**_"Oh come on , James! I just found a comfortable spot... Fine. But I get to braid your hair."_ **

"Deal... Why the fuck do you watch this garbage?"

_ "Excuse you, asshole! Tyra Banks is a national treasure!" _

_ "Okay! What is going on!?" _

_ "Stop screaming! They're about to reveal the challenge winner!" _

_ "Why are you not being weird about this?" _

_** "Weird about what, Tony?" ** _

_ "Weird about me fucking Bucky!" _

_ "Stop shouting over the TV, man!" _

** "Who's fucking Bucky?!" **

_ "Finally! Steve! Rub it in! You were right! Congratulations!" _

** "Nah, I'm happy for you! Though I will kick your dick in if you hurt him." **

_ " _ _ Hey _ _!" _

"Thanks, Stevie. I promise to kick Sam's dick in if he hurts you."

_ "HEY!" _

"Yeah, I'm with Tony on this one. You think you're being all cute with your fucking co-dependent friendship shit, but... Damn it, stop making the face."

** "What face?" **

"Come here, you idiot."

** "Yes, sir!" **

_ "I am trying to watch TV, goddamn it!" _

_ "Barton, nobody cares who's going to be on top except for you... I meant on the show..." _

"I don't remember you having a particular preference."

_ "I'm not talking to you. You're a dick kicker." _

"By association."

_ "My dick doesn't care about the technicalities, dick kicker!" _

"Can I make it up to your dick?"

_"Maybe."_

**_"So tell us when you're going to be out of your room so Clint and I don't have to be quiet."_ **

"That was you being quiet?"

_ "And neighborly, yes. Also you have a really weird bruise on your neck that looks like an olive." _

"No, I don't."

**"Looks more like the moon. It even has the craters."**

**_"Bets on how fast it disappears? Ten bucks it's an hour."_ **

_ "Commercials are on and I'm in it to win it. Give me that pizza and put me down for half an hour." _

"No way, man. Ten minutes tops. It's already fading."

**_"Really, Tony. You could try sucking better."_ **

**"Now, Natasha, there's no need to make fun of Tony. After all, it had been so long since he'd last practiced."**

_ "I don't need p..." _

_ **"James on the other hand seems to have left an entire crime scene around Tony's neck."** _

"I'm surprised he can walk."

_ "He was walking kinda funny." _

_"Oh, God! This is going to be a fucking nightmare..."_

"Eat your pizza and we can get you some more practice."

_"Asshole."_

"You're the one that begged for the weirdness, lovebug."

_"No."_

**"Lovebug?"**

"The second he hears it his jaw clenches. Doesn't it, lovebug? Just so. Very appealing."

_"Eat that damn pizza faster."_


	13. Epilogue

"Why can't we just take a car or walk?"

_"What kind of an anniversary dinner would it be if we walked there?"_

"One where my hair isn't messed up. And don't think I don't know you like it when that happens."

_"You knew I was selfish. It's your fault you stuck around."_

"Why did I again?"

 _"Well according to a conversation between two very dirty old men on open comms, and I quote:_ you can bounce a shield off that ass. _"_

"Wrong."

_"So is it my charming personality?"_

"The way your eyes light up when you're working on something."

_"Yeah? That's a new one."_

"Well it's not the fact that you snore like an erupting volcano!"

_"You love me."_

"I do."

_"So hop on and let's get this party started!"_

"I'm not going to climb on your back like a baby koala."

_"Don't they have pouches for that? Oooh, I could make a pouch for... Okay, fine, how do you want me?"_

"I..."

_"Want me to carry you bridal style?"_

"Only if you're planning to make an honest man out of me."

_"Are you kidding? Marry a man that watches Animal Planet like he's being payed to do it? I have a reputation, Bucky!"_

"You just like living in sin."

_"No. I adore living in sin."_

"Show me."

_"...You're just trying to avoid flying!"_

"Or I want roof sex."

_"...It's not happening. You do know that the smolder loses its effect when you use it for the billionth time, right?!"_

"..."

_"Okay, I lied, but can we please get going?"_

"...Fine. The dinner better not include a giant stuffed animal. Pepper warned me about those."

_"I'm not sure how I feel about you two gossiping."_

"I'm sure neither me or Pepper give a fuck about how you feel about it, lovebug. Now sweep me off this roof and try not to drop me."

_"...I'll try my best. Hold on!"_

"...Show-off." 

_"What? I fly like this all the time."_

"I'd like to see you face down a target flying backwards with your hands behind your head."

_"As long as you're sitting pretty on top of me."_

"Sitting pretty?"

_"Stop writhing like that!"_

"Seriously, Tony?  _Writhing_? And there's no way you can feel anything with the suit on."

_"It's more about the mental image, Sparky. Me. On my back. With you on top of me... Writhing. Could cause accidents."_

"What if I did this?"

_"You better put that tie back on before you lose it."_

"Oops. You better blast that tie before it falls on someone."

_"You're going to be the death of me."_

"Only la petite mort."

_"Okay now you really want to cause some damage."_

"We'll be fine... Mainly because if you drop me you know I'm going to kill you."

_"We're a couple of miles in the air, dude! How much of a ghost are you?"_

"Oh, I'd come back for you."

_"Promises, promises."_

"I would. Always."

_"And I'd never drop you."_

"I know."


End file.
